TBI

 I am absolutely devastated. I received a phone call yesterday requesting that my deceased husband return their call. I was immediately sent into shock. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think. I listened to the voice mail again and then again, in absolute horror that this was actually happening. I thought that I had been able to say goodbye to him enough times. Apparently not. As I began a horrible, painful ugly cry, trying to decide what I had to do now, my body decided to just give up. 

Now my health has been deteriorating quickly the last month or so, so I’ve been a bit freaked out. But yesterday morning I was okay. I even took the dog for a walk. It was going to be a good day. Then I received the call. 

Today I watched a police officer telling of when he was attacked. It was awful. He ended up with a heart attack, concussion, and traumatic brain injury (along with other things). This is where the devastation comes in. Tony and I both have/had traumatic brain injury. I watched as it destroyed who he was. I experienced having to say goodbye to him 5 months before he died because his brain was messing up so steadily that the man I saw in front of me was no longer the man I married. He had false memories. He would go on walks and forget where he was and how to get home. He would also forget that he had a cell phone and could call me to help him. I still loved him fiercely. I just knew that my James Anthony Brignolio memories were probably over, and I would have to deal with TBI Tony memories from now on. All this to say that we received our brain injuries in more traditional ways: getting hit with a baseball, getting hit with a baseball bat, hitting head on work truck repeatedly accidentally. This poor man was attacked. All he did was try to do his job to the best of his ability. Now he will face a lifetime of damage, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Tony and I only had to deal with physical damage. We had to deal with the mental and emotional damage that eventually came with the physical damage. This man went to work and ended up a completely different man who now has to figure out how to be this new man in a world that doesn’t know fully how to help you be this new man. I know I’m emotional because of the phone call yesterday, but I couldn’t stop the tears. All I can think of is my man not being able to walk at one time and having memory problems. All I can think of is the I have to wait until my brain remembers how to walk if I’ve been sitting too long. I have to have help walking when my brain is too tired to work. All I can think of is the memory problems I’ve been having, and not sure if it’s the brain injury or getting older. All I can think about is that this was all done to him. Every time he has difficulty with his brain, he will remember many people attacking him and hoping to hurt him, maybe even kill him. I hate the brain problems, but I thank God that I don’t have to deal with memories of being attacked/tortured as well. I will now be thinking of him daily as I deal with my own minor disabilities. They seem minor now because I can still fight it and try to have a normal-ish life. Now to actually try again to fight against a deteriorating brain and work on being content with the life God has given me.